In being human, we have all experienced doing or saying something that ultimately worked against what we actually needed most.
Inside we wanted connection. Outside we feared rejection and pushed someone away.
Inside we wanted to express love. Outside, we feared it wouldn’t be received and lashed out in anger that someone wasn’t loving us enough.
Inside we wanted to be accepted. Outside, we tried to change another because we assumed we were not free to be who we are.
And why is it so hard to ask for a hug or tell someone how much we care? Why are we so afraid to say what we believe, or share our most deepest thoughts and wants.
Survival. Our brains. It’s our hardwiring.
When there is a perceived harmful event, attack or threat to our survival, a stress response or the fight-or-flight response system sets our bodies up for action: to flee, fight or freeze. This response has the potential to save our lives if we are in situations such as a mountain lion jumping out from behind a rock, or a car veering off the road toward us or being restrained by another person planning to harm us.
However, for the majority of us, most of the time, our fight-or-flight responses are stemming from emotional or psychological stress: fear of rejection, being humiliated, not being acknowledged, seen or heard, or a threat to the security of a relationship or status. It seems it should be easy for our brains to know the difference between an actual threat to our lives and a threat to our ego, dignity or self-esteem. But it isn’t. Our bodies respond physiologically in kind, and we can endure the same symptoms, regardless if someone is coming at us with a knife or ignoring us at a party.
And we feel it ~ and when we do, we aren’t able to think coherently or deeply. The frontal cortex part of our brain, where we do think more clearly and logically is hard wired to shut down in order for us to react swiftly, and without consideration. Time taken to consider how to respond may cost us our lives in a physical threat. But herein lies the difference. Conversely, time NOT taken to consider how to respond in an emotional threat can cost us our well-being and our relationships in significant and long-lasting ways. In other words, where the former there is no time to think how to respond, it is our response to the stress response that matters most in the latter.
In her podcast, Compass of the Heart, Tara Brach refers to our hearts as the ultimate guide to a “liberated self”; a compassionate caretaker of the “egoic” fear driven parts of ourselves. Brach shows us how our emotional fears drive us to protect ourselves in ways that end up hurting and alienating us even more. We turn away from each other when we really need connection, or isolate ourselves when what we need most is company. We say hurtful things to avoid being hurt and blame each other when we don’t believe in our own strength.
She shows her listeners how to make space and give voice to that inner self that wants to reach out, but is often trapped in a body that is most practiced in survival.
This is well worth the time to listen.